>>>it is my blood,
>>>thus mine to give.
>>>they will take and eat,
>>>if it in fullness cometh.
>>>we have come unkinned.
>>>wolf is on one isle,
>>>fast is isle
>>>with fen begirt,
>>>death-wild men
>>>upon it.
>>>they will take and eat,
>>>if it in fullness cometh.
>>>we have come unkinned.
>>>what wolf has taken,
>>>hopes hunt houndlike.
>>>when it was rainy weather
>>>and i wailing sat,
>>>arms enwrapped,
>>>took i some joy,
>>>but took i sadness also.
>>>wolf, my wolf!
>>>my hope flies to thee.
>>>laid waste am i
>>>by thy seldom-coming,
>>>not want of meat,
>>>but by sorrowed heart.
>>>hearest thou watchman?
>>>our wretched whelp
>>>to woodland.
>>>with ease one splitteth
>>>what was never seamed.
>>>our song together.
shook things up a little with this version
minimalized it
dropped a lot of syllables
abandoned several literal translations of certain words/phrases
(where it seemed acceptable to do so)
in favour of ones that made better sense
eg. changing "sick" to "laid waste"
to better reflect "want of meat"
also, "hope flies to thee" etc.
and most jarringly perhaps
the whole "my blood/they will eat if it in fullness cometh" thing
a more figurative/suggestive way of evoking the sacrifice-element
note that "threat" becomes "fullness"
ie. "spate" or "flood"
ie. her blood goes to them in spate
ie. they will accept it if it comes in sufficient quantity
yes i am really grasping here
also, went with the alternate line-break scheme
thought that short lines/clipped rhythms better conveyed starkness of original
a certain rawness
but now
after thinking about it and consulting nb at great length
discussing it with him in person and via email
i am having another change of heart
nb takes issue with the "luxury of the pause"
created by the short lines
he feels that it "reduces the action"
he is drawn to the "cadence and movement" of version 1
and "where the breath is taken"
he feels, for this and other reasons,
version 2 does not hit as deep
after looking at it while considering nb's input
i feel very strongly that he is correct
i begin to realize
the "disorienting grief" is not expressed as fully here
for any number of possible reasons
but most likely: attempting to move the poem away from its indigenous ambiguity
is in effect to emotionally neutralize it
also, importantly:
the wildness/farflungness is definitely better suited to longer lines
the elegiac quality, esp in the last 4 lines
"hearest thou watchman?" (the despair thereof) needs a full long breath like a crying-out or a howl
that is the "rēotugu", the wailing
"þonne hit wæs rēnig weder ond ic rēotugu sæt"
(when it was rainy weather and i wailing sat)
i think there are some elements of version 2 that i will want to carry on
but ultimately version 1 may be a better template
at least in terms of cadence/breath
nb: "i think you do well to trust your gut
when bridging those loose grammatical lines or not bridging them.
holy shit, i just realized how clear it is that the poem provides its own key
for us would-be exegetes and translators:
with ease we split what was never seamed / our song together.
you create difficulty when you try to mend the world."
more to follow
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